halfway on 1st cycle

{ December 3, 2009 @ 7:51 pm } · { Info & Updates, Uncategorized }
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I have had 6/12 of my taxol treatments.. The day after Thanksgiving would have been #7 but Docs office closed and Doc said the 1 week break in the middle wouldnt be a bad thing. I am showing great improvement so if we are going to have a break having it right in the middle is good.
It doesnt even seem like its been 2 monthes since I got that call. It doesnt seem like 7 weeks have passed since I started treatment. BUT it has… I so thank God for keeping me through this time. I honestly dont know how are what I am doing half the time because I am so busy living! Still working a FT schedule, doing treatment & still doing all the things I did before I found out I was sick almost keeps me from sitting down long enough to think about being sick.
Its been a month since the whole bald thing and I think I have adjusted nicely. I dont wear a wig or scarf or anything unless ofcourse my head is cold which does happen alot. I am comfortable with how I look BUT it is hard for me to figure out how to explain my situation to the little kids in my life.
I went to a girlfriends house earlier in the week who has 3 little ones whom I usually play with alot and am very active with but on this visit (my 1st since I got the news) I couldnt and I kept my hat on the whole time I was there. Her five year old son must have sensed something because he kept asking me to take of my hat n let him see my hair. I didnt tho because I have no clue how to explain what is going on with me to a small child. I dont want to scare them or anything so I have been avoiding it.
I have been experiencing an increase in my state of emotion. I am happy but willing to cry at any time. Not because I am sad, just super sensitive right now. I dont know what that is all about but Im glad I atleast do recognize it which makes it much easier to keep myself in check.
I will be in chemo #7 tommorrow and this week and next i will be networking and promoting the Fundraiser Event my church is having for me.
I hope alot of ppl come.. Im looking forward to seeing many I havent seen in years and probably crying alot :)

1st down..

{ November 21, 2009 @ 11:54 pm } · { Info & Updates, Uncategorized }
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yesterday (11/20) I went for chemo #6 in the first cycle which is taxol for me. My Mother, doctor and I sat and discussed my progress & future treatment. And discussed the fact that the previous week had been the 1st bad week thus far.
The general aches & pains.. the incessant itching, burning, dry, tight feeling in my head etc.. not much to say, take tylenol or aleve and try to make yourself as comfortable as possible he says. Gave me some samples of Aquafore to try on my head. Hoping that will relieve some of the discomfort but not sure.
Throughout the week I had called into the office because I was so miserable. The we dont know what to tell yous and the oh try tylenol crap really had me ready to yell “what am I paying you ppl for?” but ofcourse I didnt. Im in such a highly emotional state I just cried and said “ok”.
He was very happy with the rate of shrinkage to tumors. This week my bloodcount was down just a little bit but not enough to cause alarm & I gained a pound.
The actual chemo treatment went well, no mishaps or loss of breathe or anything. Its strange to say but after such an uncomfortable week I was almost looking forward to treatment. Because I know it is calm quiet time for me. I have no choice but to stop moving and doing and just sit. Being that my mother walks by my side through this journey it has become a time for us to just talk about whatever, and in the end it makes me SLEEP which was much needed after not really being able to sleep comfortably all week. And not to mention working 10 hour days M-Th to make up for the hours I lose on Fridays mixed with the hieghtened emotions.. ugh, i have been a mess lately.
Im praying for a better week this week, more like the previous where the dopiness had worn off in 2 days and I was back at work on Monday with nothing to complain about but the constant taste of paper in my mouth.
I am intending on sending my efforts to promoting a fundraiser being given for me by my church family next month so please stay tuned & show some love for that. If you would like to participate or donate in anyway please click the To Donate page OR contact Dr. Armstong @ 518-505-4500 or apostle.viv@aol.com

Thank you all for continuing to support me & pray for me.

just to talk i guess

{ November 4, 2009 @ 7:58 pm } · { Info & Updates, Uncategorized }
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As I mentioned before I have never blogged until this. So forgive me for not making alot of updates etc. Unfortunately, between trying to work full-time, do chemo treatments & have half a chance to continue to do the things i used to do I have been extremely busy… not to mention emotionally overwhelmed. But anyway to catch up from my last post, I have now had 3 chemo treatments, 2 unsuccesful attempts to biopsy my left side (Im diagnosed on the right side but they think there is something goin on on the right now also).
I am growin weary & tired but trying to take a deep breath on that because I know i am still at the beginning of what is goin to be a long journey.
On Friday will be chemo #4 and who knows what appointments & procedures will pop up as I go along.

bald

{ November 4, 2009 @ 7:55 pm } · { Info & Updates, Rants & Raves, Uncategorized }
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On Friday Oct 30th I had my 3rd chemo treatment.. was a lil bumpy because toward the end of the treatment I started to lose my breathe, had to be given an extra bag of steroids to get me back to normal but after that was fine.
I had been feeling a little overwhelmed so I was looking forward to Halloween on Saturday, to dress up & just go to a few friends house to hang out… Not far from home & no strenuous activity because I was bandaged on both breasts & arms…
Anyway Saturday afternoon came and I was in good spirits, just getting ready to get off the PC and get my costume on. At the time I had my shoulder length hair in 2 ponytails. My head started to itch where my right ponytail was which is not uncommon, I slid the ponytail holder out & half my ponytail came out with it. I thought “Geez thats alot of hair” but didnt immediately think anything of it because I was pre-occupied. Then the other ponytail started to itch, same result.. “Hmmm” Now I noticed it but not only was I preoccupied but proceeded to kind of brush it off ” just thinnin a lil bit, no big deal” because I do have very thick hair.. so I continue on what I was doing… feel a lil itch, scratch where it itch, and when I move my hand whatever hair was where I scratched was in my hand. This continued on for the rest of the evening. By the time I got up in the morning I had a large ziploc bag of my own hair on my desk n not so much looking really bad on my head.
Now I am aware that for alot of women this is traumatizing because we are very concerned with how we look to ourselves & to others. Many women feel that they cant be “normal”. These things were far far from my mind.
To me it was like a screaming flashing billboard “YOU ARE SICK! U HAVE CANCER!! NO, ITS NOT JUST GONNA BE OK!! CANCER!! THERE IS NO MIRACLE COMING TO SAVE YOU! U HAVE CANCER!!”
It was crushing to me… I cried & cried & cried.. all Saturday nite, all Sunday morning… n then I made a decision that went kind of like. “U know its all gonna come out like this.. slowly & with pain & tears every handful… U have to work in the morning.. this is too long & hurtful. U have to cut it & get it over with.” I cried as I thought these things to myself, I cried while I dialed my best friend (who happens to be one of the best barbers I know) and asked him to come over. I cried all day while I waited for him to arrive that evening. As I had visitors through out the day I did try to keep my composure but still had tears.
When he got there he comforted me & made me laugh before we started but when I sat down to get it cut I cried quietly the whole time. He was gentle but quick & tried to make it as easy for me as he could. We didnt talk or anything. He just cut & I just cried. When it was done he brushed my hair away n just held me n let me cry.
After maybe 5 mins of this I was able to pull it together long enough to enjoy the rest of his visit & allow our parting to be with a smile.
When he left I crept to the bathroom as if a monster was waiting, as I crept to the mirror & started to see my new reflection I cried uncontrollably “CANCER!!! YOU ARE SICK!! SEE!! YOU HAVE CANCER!! ITS NOT OK!! ” for hours.
By this time, it was Sunday nite, I was exhausted, depressed and so much more. I sat down at my PC, took a deep breathe in between sobs & realized the clock… reality… “‘I have to work in the morning, no one knows Im bald… Oh God, what am I gonna do now.” I cried some more. “YOU HAVE CANCER!! SEE UR BALD HEAD? EVERYONE WILL SEE IT & KNOW HOW SICK YOU ARE! U HAVE CANCER! ” n I cried & cried and again had to make a decision. “instead of waitin n lettin it be a surprise to all which is way too much pressure for you at this point lets try to put it out there n get it over with. I took a picture & posted it on my facebook.
The responses were rapid & plentiful.. many sayin that I am still beautiful.. how cute etc. They were warm & kind and I love and appreciate them for sayin what they think I want to hear or what they honestly believe. Unfortunately I couldnt care less about bein cute, or sexybald or any of that mess. I even joked that if it had happened sooner I wouldve been an M&M for Halloween. But that is so not the point or important to me at all. I have breast cancer and no one seems to understand.

after…

{ October 18, 2009 @ 11:43 pm } · { Info & Updates }
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M first Chemo treatment was on Friday & as some of you may remember from my previous post I was very afraid… and still am but not as much as before..After facing the first one I saw… it just wiped me out.. no big scene, no dramatic allergic reactions, none of the things I dreaded THANK GOD!!… I just slept most of the weekend & ate which is a good thing.

As I checked in online & on the phone over the weekend my heart was touched and truly humbled by the amount of ppl praying for me & thinking of me… posting me on their pages, sending their shout outs my way, leaving heartfelt comments for me on whatever page they may be linked. Where do I begin to thank you. You make me laugh & laugh with me when I need it, you make me cry tears of joy at such a solem time. You show me & remind me that with God I am a force on this Earth that has impact on the lives of others and yes, this means a great deal to me.

To The Owner & Staff @ My Job & My Doctors Offices… I so appreciate you & May God Bless us All in our Upcoming Endeavors… good nite & keep the prayers rolling.

Just before chemo #1

{ October 16, 2009 @ 8:18 am } · { Info & Updates, Rants & Raves, Uncategorized }
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I havent had a full nights sleep all week as tension nerves built up about this day… Last night was the worst. I tried to keep myself occupied… tried to get drunk… tried to forget.. as if that meant it wasnt real.  I dosed off for a lil while but when I opened my eyes at 1:30, 4:00 & 5:30 this morning it was all still real.. 2 hours later when I finally decided to say F it n just get up the first thing in my room I saw was the huge pink & white bag I was given at the doctors.  its real… and its happening to me.

I am SO afraid… not that I will die because I believe God will protect my life… Im afraid of the rest, the time, the side effects, of myself, of pain… of just not knowing.  I feel like In June I found a lump in my breast & it has now taken over my life.  No work, no plans for the weekend, nothing until…

I know that there are 100s in my corner, praying & fighting for me right now but I feel unable to cry or breakdown in front of others because many of them have broken down on me n I had to give them the news & console them after hearing it.  Ive always been pretty good at keeping things seperate so when I am at work or discussing the situation with people I come across together & positive. Ive already often heard “well it seems like your head is in the right place”. Im so glad! one question.. where exactly is that? because I have no idea where my head is right now.

I fall apart alone so that it doesnt hurt others. When there is no one there to look at me with pity in their eyes, where there is no one to say the wrong thing. Not because Im sad.. only because I am SO afraid.

Dear Lord we enter this battle together as we have been since the day I was born. The fact that you have always been there & will always be there is never in question. On this day God I thank you for creating me a courageous person… one who can go forth & function inspite of her own fears..that is only because your word says that I can walk through the valleys & shadows of death & fear no evil.. because you are with me.  Lord I ask that u smooth the sand for this part of our journey so that I may continue to walk with you as far as I can on our journey because I know when I cant there will still be your footprints & you wont leave me.

Amen.

{ October 14, 2009 @ 10:52 pm } · { Info & Updates, Rants & Raves }
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I debated back & forth with myself about the Infusi-Port being installed in my chest. When it came time this morning for the Pre-Op exams it was a No Go.  I told myself that I was just nervous & it would be fine but when it came down to it I was unwilling to go through with it. When I told my doctor, she said that is fine for now but if later on they see that my veins cant with stand the effects of the chemo & other stuff then they will have no choice.

Tommorrow there is the “echo” which is a heart test to make sure that my heart is good to handle what I am going through.. so many things, so little time.  It hasnt even been a whole 3 weeks since I was diagnosed. It still, sometimes, almost slips my mind in general conversation & thought that I even HAVE cancer… and Im on chemotherapy less than 48 hours from now….. WOW

So Far…

{ October 13, 2009 @ 3:04 am } · { Info & Updates }
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I have had Mammograms, 2 core biopsies, Ultrasound & MRI… which have shown Infultrating Ductal Cancer in Right Breast and spread to Lymphnodes in right arm… also unidentified mass in Left Breast.

This weeks appointments include PetScan (fullbody catscan that searches for spreading cancer cells), Echo (heart test), Titanium Clip placement in Right Breast & Ultrasound guided biopsy of left breast, pre-admit testing for next weeks Infusi-Port Surgery & last but certainly not least Treatment #1 of 12 of Chemo Therapy…. and thats in between a full work schedule.

Thank You

{ October 13, 2009 @ 2:36 am } · { Info & Updates, Support Information, Uncategorized }
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Before I even get into asking for things Id like to say Thank you & God Bless You to all of you whom have already been a great help to me, love me & continue to pray for me through this time. Thank you for what you have already done, what you dont even know you did & what you are yet to do. It is only through God himself & wonderful people like you that I am able to face this situation with ANY courage at all.

I have no idea what the next several monthes are really going to be like other than I know they will be difficult & I know I will survive… This in no way means that I am not afraid, because I so definately am.. But Courage is not the lack of fear, it is the ability to Act in spite of Fear.. This is what you give to me.

Thank You

ASA Cancer Treatment Site

{ October 12, 2009 @ 10:44 pm } · { Info & Updates, Uncategorized }
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attiffsI have never blogged before so bare with me. My name is Amadi (also known by many others), Im a 33 yr old African-American New Yorker. I am unmarried & have no children, I work, go to school part-time and for the most part live a pretty square life. When I was 29 I had a lump removed from my right breast, was non-cancerous & I recovered quickly.  Unfortunately, I found myself in this situation again but this time Im not as lucky. Two weeks ago I was diagnosed with Infultrating Ductal Cancer. I made this page in an attempt to centralize efforts to raise money for cancer treatment.